A classic millennial mom, I consume my fair share of parenting wisdom offered by psychologists on Instagram (Dr. Becky, anyone?), child therapists (biglittlefeelings, anyone?), and other experienced moms in my real-life community. But most of all, I’m guided by the grace of God who has worked miraculously over and over in my own life despite not being raised in a Christian household. In fact, it was far from. My parents are Buddhist, though I’d say it’s primarily cultural and less spiritual, and we grew up atheist at best, maybe agnostic with no defining particular god.
So, setting a Christ-led, Christ-like, and Christ-loving foundation for our home and family is new territory to both me and my husband. And we count it a deep privilege and gift to have the lifelong opportunity to raise our children in His grace and goodness. We’re 5 years into parenting, and we know that parenting is also lifelong learning.
A handful of faithful moms and mentors I admire have recommended the book Parenting: 14 Gospel Principles That Can Radically Change Your Family. It is a powerful book by Paul David Tripp that compels us toward God’s grace for our children and for us (parents!) as His children — and gives us hope and practical applications.
While preparing to facilitate a small group to dive in to this book together, I put together a discussion guide. I couldn’t find an established study guide online, so I decided to create one! If you’re looking to lead a group or simply reflect on the reading independently, please feel free to use this as a resource. As with any book club, the beginning of each chapter’s discussion can start with the question, “What stood out to you?” And the following questions will guide you through a time of reflection and application according to the principle/chapter.
Before we jump into the discussion guide, I’d like to center us on some big ideas that really resonated with me. We all want our children to do good, to choose right from wrong, to listen to and respect our authority, to do things the first time we ask them, to behave in a way that’s socially acceptable and even praiseworthy. But how do we respond when our children don’t do this?
Let’s be clear. This book is not a behavior management guide. Tripp gets to the heart of parenting through the lens of the gospel: we’re talking heart transformation and reliance on God’s grace. A chapter here or there might knock you off your parenting pedestal. It might humble you, the same way parenting often does if we allow it to. Rules might change the behavior of our children, but rules alone won’t change their heart. Actions are a reflection of the heart. God gives us authority in parenting but we don’t have the power to change them. We tend to use fear, reward, and shame as our power tools to create change in our children. But it’s temporarily effective. So what does it look like to parent for the long run, big picture? And then it gets deep — real deep. Tripp unravels the importance of what our identity is shaped by and how it affects our parenting. Do we put the burden of achieving success on our children so that we could look successful? As a child of immigrants, I felt that burden to my core. As a parent now, I want to relieve myself and my children of that burden. Just like the book did for me, I invite you into a time of self-reflection in your reading and pray for transformed and softened hearts in a room full of parents who are seeking God’s heart for their children. There’s so much more, but one thing is for sure: each chapter will bring you back to the gospel of God’s grace. So, let’s dive in!
Chapter 1: Calling
Parenting is a calling from God.
- How do you view your role as a parent in light of God’s calling?
- How does recognizing parenting as a ministry change the way you approach it daily?
- In what areas of parenting have you been tempted to think of your children as your own instead of God’s?
- What kind of situation can you see yourself pointing your child to the gospel and the story of redemption even when – perhaps especially when – it doesn’t feel intuitive at the time?
Chapter 2: Grace
God’s grace equips us for parenting.
- How has God’s grace impacted your own life, and how do you extend that same grace to your children?
- What are some ways you can show grace to your children in moments of frustration or failure?
- Can you think of a recent parenting moment where you saw God’s grace at work?
- Is there a parenting regret, a “what if” or “if only,” that you hold on to where you need to experience God’s grace?
Chapter 3: Law
God’s law provides our children with the grace of conviction.
- Reflecting on your own childhood and journey, how has the principle of laws and rules impacted your behavior in the long run? And how does that affect your parenting now?
- How do you view the laws in the Christian faith? What does law uphold? Is it legalism or grace that compels people’s hearts to turn to Jesus? How can we apply this in our day to day parenting disciplines?
- Have you ever felt the pressure to “fix” your child’s behavior? How does this principle challenge that mindset?
- How can you learn to see these moments of misbehaviors as opportunities for shepherding their heart rather than simply correcting behavior?
- How can you point your children to the grace of God rather than simply enforcing rules?
- How does this principle influence the way you discipline your children?
Chapter 4: Inability
You can’t change your child’s heart. Only God can.
- “Is your parenting driven by worry that causes you to do and say things that you shouldn’t do or say?” (70)
- “Do you find yourself being willing to settle for control, rather than giving yourself to the hard process of change?” (70)
- “Are you working to get your children to do what you want them to do rather than helping them to be what God wants them to be?” (70)
- How do you react when your children don’t respond the way you hope to your parenting?
- How can you rest in the knowledge that God is the one who changes hearts?
- What are practical ways to remind yourself daily that you are dependent on God for your child’s growth and transformation?
Chapter 5: Identity
Our identity is in Christ, not in our children.
- “If you are not resting in your vertical identity (in God), you will look horizontally, searching to find yourself and your reason for living in something in creation. That could be your possessions, your accomplishments, your career, your spouse, your children… created things were never designed to give you identity…” (77) Although we as believers strive for vertical identity, often we stray and seek horizontally. What are some of the things you look to to give you meaning and purpose? How does it affect your parenting when your identity is found in these things?
- How do you react when your child’s behavior challenges your identity as a parent?
- Are there specific ways you find yourself deriving identity from your children’s success or failures? How can you shift that focus?
- Tripp provides five indications to know that you’re putting your identity on the shoulders of your children (80-82). What do you resonate with, if any?
- How can understanding that your identity is rooted in Christ bring peace and freedom in parenting?
Chapter 6: Process
Parenting is a long-term process, not about immediate results.
- How do you handle the frustration of not seeing immediate change in your children’s behavior or attitudes?
- What steps can you take to avoid reacting out of frustration or anger and instead address their heart with grace and wisdom?
- What practical steps can you take to focus on the process, not just the outcomes, of parenting?
- How does the understanding that parenting is a long-term process shape your perspective on discipline and encouragement?
Chapter 7: Lost
The condition that causes bad behavior in our children is their innate lostness.
- How do you view your child’s moments of bad behavior? How do you often respond to it?
“Remember, your attention needs to be not only on the behavior of your child, but more fundamentally on the condition that produces that behavior. So, you can quit being reactive, but parent in those spontaneous moments with a sense of purpose and direction.” (100) - “Don’t settle for winning a battle about the thing, but rather each time fight for the heart behind the thing.” (107) Do you find that settling for a temporary win just brings you back to fighting the same battle over and over again? If so, how can we work toward lasting change?
- “Most often their disobedience is the fruit of their lostness.” When we shift our perspective to the truth of their/our sinful nature, how can we better respond to their disobedience?
- Sheep need a shepherd, and sheep are prone to wander. Taking this one step further, it’s hard to read this chapter on lostness without taking an inward look at our own hearts and lives. Psalm 23 is a beautiful psalm to meditate on, beginning with “The Lord is my Shepherd…” God pursues us. You, me, each one of our children. Just as he’s called us to shepherd our sheep (children), he shepherds you and me. He knows that our hearts wander, that we run astray, that we are in need of His care. Just as he seeks and saves us, he calls us to love and rescue our lost children. How does God’s rescue of you compel you to shepherd your children?
Chapter 8: Authority
The struggle with authority is a sin issue, and we have the opportunity to exercise authority with grace and humility to show how good God’s authority is.
- Tripp says to fight these authority battles early and when the issues are small. It gets harder as they grow older. But there’s still hope yet. If you’re in the early years of parenting, how does this shape your thinking about authority battles? If your kids are older, how do you establish your authority now? How do you want it to look differently?
- What has prevented you from establishing authority with consistency? How do you choose which battles to fight?
- “What kind of picture are your children getting of God’s authority by the way you exercise yours?” (117)
- Discipline with instruction takes patience, intention, and love. How can you grow in patience when disciplining?
Chapter 9: Foolishness –
Children are naturally foolish and need guidance.
- How does Tripp define foolishness in this chapter? How does this align with or challenge your understanding of your child’s behavior?
- Why is it important to view foolishness as a heart issue rather than simply immature behavior?
- How does recognizing foolishness as a universal human condition point both you and your child to the need for God’s grace?
- How can you teach your child that true wisdom begins with a relationship with God?
Chapter 10: Character –
We need to exemplify the character we want our children to have.
- “If you deal with a lack of character with a lack of character, you will not accomplish what God has given you to accomplish in the hearts of your children.” (139) Tripp challenges us to begin with confession. It’s not just our children who lack character; we do as well. When we respond with anger and impatience, we will also receive anger and impatience. How can you model humility and the need for growth to your children?
- How do you balance being an authority in your child’s life while also showing them your dependence on God’s grace?
- What’s ruling the hearts of your children?
- What’s ruling your own heart? In what ways has parenting exposed areas in your life that need God’s grace and transformation?
Chapter 11: False Gods
What rules your child’s heart will control their behavior.
- In what instances do you see opportunities to lead your child to confession – “tender, patient, understanding, and insight-giving conversations with your children that are intended to get them to examine what they haven’t acknowledged and to begin to accept responsibility for the thoughts, desires, and choices that cause them to do what they do” (160)?
- How can you teach your children, through words and actions, to worship God rather than worldly “gods” like success, approval, or possessions?
- Tripp re-emphasizes, “we are more like our children than unlike them” (162). What subtle idols (e.g., wanting to be seen as a perfect parent, seeking control, or expecting gratitude) can sneak into your parenting approach?
- How can you refocus your heart and priorities to keep God at the center of your parenting?
Chapter 12: Control
The goal of parenting is not to control behavior.
- In what ways do you find yourself trying to micromanage your child’s life or decisions?
- How has the desire for control led to conflict or anxiety in your parenting?
- Have you experienced moments when God’s plan for your child was different than what you expected? How did you respond?
- What are some practical ways to surrender control to God while still fulfilling your responsibilities as a parent?
- How do you balance your role as an authority figure in your child’s life while recognizing that only God controls their heart and future?
- What are some ways to teach your children that God, not you, is ultimately in control of their lives? How can you model a life of trust in God’s sovereignty for your children?
Chapter 13: Rest
Resting in God’s sovereignty leads to transformative, faithful parenting.
- Do you struggle with anxiety or fear in parenting? How can you apply the rest principle to those feelings?
- How does feeling overwhelmed and overburdened affect your parenting?
- How does trusting in God’s sovereignty change your perspective on parenting challenges?
- What are some ways you can cultivate rest in your parenting journey?
Chapter 14: Mercy
Parent with a heart of mercy who acknowledges and receives God’s mercy.
- How do you show mercy to your children when they fail or disobey?
- In what ways can you reflect God’s mercy in your discipline, guidance, and encouragement?
- How can you better model the forgiveness and mercy of Christ in your home?
Thank God for His new mercies every morning after we’ve had a bad day. Thank God that we receive His grace so that we can extend it to our children day in and day out. Thank God that when things are out of our control, we know He is in control. Control was not ours in the first place.
I appreciate the insight this book has provided me, and I’m truly looking forward to the honest and encouraging discussions this will bring. After all, parenting is best done in community.